The Real Stuff

When I first started this blog, I wanted to make sure I was being authentic. I didn't want to appear to be altogether. I definitely am not. No one is. I've loved sharing stories about my kids and lessons to pass on. That's exciting to share! It gives hope! Today I'm realizing it's much harder to share my personal "real stuff". I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't though. So beware, this is the real stuff!!

Today I woke up feeling tired, fat, and overwhelmed about my day. To be honest, gratitude was miles away from my heart. Today was the first day of "spring break" and I felt no break in sight. Yes, it's for my kids, but momma usually enjoys it alongside them. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without being discouraged. Tired. Very tired. Baby boy had a rough night, therefore momma did too. The to-do list for the day was running through my thoughts and instead of doing what I needed to, giving it all to my savior and asking for help, I chose to go on with my day on my own. The yelling voice came out, the adrenaline to get it all done was moving me, not joy or peace. Just survival.

My weight has been a roller coaster as long as I can remember. I've never been skinny. Like any pregnant lady, I want to be back to my non pregnant body. It's been 3 months since I've given birth and I feel huge.  A couple weeks ago I started eating better, moving more, expecting quick results. Really? Walk a couple times and eat a "little" healthier and expect to lose 10 lbs!!?? lol Very unrealistic.  Its actually not even about the weight. I just want to fit into my "non-maternity" clothes. So when I don't see those immediate results and wake up with that bloated feeling, disappointing thoughts take over. Confidence is nowhere to be found. The example I long to be for my daughter has failed. Fun. Not fun at all. I have a choice. Do I get angry and do nothing or do I change my ways? Start over yet again. I really do hope to do better this week. One more thing to add to my mental to do list.

To be honest, Mondays have always been a bit overwhelming for me. I think I try to put the entire week's agenda in one day without realizing it. Add a baby to the mix and it's a little worse. Add having all the kids home on break, a lot worse. Then the yelling begins. Something I hate to admit. Not yelling is something I have really tried to work on. I used to be a big time yeller and God has convicted me over and over again about it. I hate how it makes my kids feel and I hate the way I feel after. So when I started yelling today, conviction and frustration hit me all at once. Then silence. It's not even noon yet and I'm asking God when is today going to be over? My day continued and I did get a few things accomplished. I was taking my daughter to her dance class and saw the big beautiful blue sky. I felt like God was trying to get my attention. He did. I asked him to please show me the good in today and I asked for help. His quiet whisper echoed loudly in my heart and in the great big sky before me. I am with you and I was with you and I will always be with you. He gently reminded me that my husband came home early today. He very rarely comes home as early as he did. Because of this, my day went more smoothly. I was able to do more for my family.

God is so faithful even when I am not. "He sets the stars in the sky and still knows my name." He is so mindful of me and His love will never fail me. Even though I didn't do everything I should have done (pray, read my bible, speak life) , my Heavenly Father still took care of me. His grace is sufficient for me. He knew my heart, my heaviness, my silent thoughts and He carried me and loved me in all of my craziness. He really does "take our brokenness aside and makes it beautiful."
Tonight I will lay my head down, knowing I am so loved. God in all of His greatness and sovereignty knows me and nothing can separate His love from me. Tomorrow is a new day! To God be the Glory.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2 NIV)

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)