The Real Stuff

When I first started this blog, I wanted to make sure I was being authentic. I didn't want to appear to be altogether. I definitely am not. No one is. I've loved sharing stories about my kids and lessons to pass on. That's exciting to share! It gives hope! Today I'm realizing it's much harder to share my personal "real stuff". I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't though. So beware, this is the real stuff!!

Today I woke up feeling tired, fat, and overwhelmed about my day. To be honest, gratitude was miles away from my heart. Today was the first day of "spring break" and I felt no break in sight. Yes, it's for my kids, but momma usually enjoys it alongside them. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without being discouraged. Tired. Very tired. Baby boy had a rough night, therefore momma did too. The to-do list for the day was running through my thoughts and instead of doing what I needed to, giving it all to my savior and asking for help, I chose to go on with my day on my own. The yelling voice came out, the adrenaline to get it all done was moving me, not joy or peace. Just survival.

My weight has been a roller coaster as long as I can remember. I've never been skinny. Like any pregnant lady, I want to be back to my non pregnant body. It's been 3 months since I've given birth and I feel huge.  A couple weeks ago I started eating better, moving more, expecting quick results. Really? Walk a couple times and eat a "little" healthier and expect to lose 10 lbs!!?? lol Very unrealistic.  Its actually not even about the weight. I just want to fit into my "non-maternity" clothes. So when I don't see those immediate results and wake up with that bloated feeling, disappointing thoughts take over. Confidence is nowhere to be found. The example I long to be for my daughter has failed. Fun. Not fun at all. I have a choice. Do I get angry and do nothing or do I change my ways? Start over yet again. I really do hope to do better this week. One more thing to add to my mental to do list.

To be honest, Mondays have always been a bit overwhelming for me. I think I try to put the entire week's agenda in one day without realizing it. Add a baby to the mix and it's a little worse. Add having all the kids home on break, a lot worse. Then the yelling begins. Something I hate to admit. Not yelling is something I have really tried to work on. I used to be a big time yeller and God has convicted me over and over again about it. I hate how it makes my kids feel and I hate the way I feel after. So when I started yelling today, conviction and frustration hit me all at once. Then silence. It's not even noon yet and I'm asking God when is today going to be over? My day continued and I did get a few things accomplished. I was taking my daughter to her dance class and saw the big beautiful blue sky. I felt like God was trying to get my attention. He did. I asked him to please show me the good in today and I asked for help. His quiet whisper echoed loudly in my heart and in the great big sky before me. I am with you and I was with you and I will always be with you. He gently reminded me that my husband came home early today. He very rarely comes home as early as he did. Because of this, my day went more smoothly. I was able to do more for my family.

God is so faithful even when I am not. "He sets the stars in the sky and still knows my name." He is so mindful of me and His love will never fail me. Even though I didn't do everything I should have done (pray, read my bible, speak life) , my Heavenly Father still took care of me. His grace is sufficient for me. He knew my heart, my heaviness, my silent thoughts and He carried me and loved me in all of my craziness. He really does "take our brokenness aside and makes it beautiful."
Tonight I will lay my head down, knowing I am so loved. God in all of His greatness and sovereignty knows me and nothing can separate His love from me. Tomorrow is a new day! To God be the Glory.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2 NIV)

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)

Chasing God, Chasing Our Sons

Today it's about my two boys. They are intertwined. They are connected. One slowly growing into his manhood. One still small enough to fit into my arms. I am in the middle. Both have my heart. The first is in the midst of his teen years. Tough years. The other, totally and completely dependent on me for his survival. No worry in the world! I look at one and see the other. God knows each of their individual needs. God has entrusted me to raise them both for His glory, not perfectly, but wholeheartedly doing my very best. I can't change the past but I can learn from it. I've made mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes, but each day I want to strive to do better. I wanted to share a little of my heart in how I am connecting the big boy with the little.

When we finally agreed to name our new baby boy Chase, I was excited about what his name meant to us! Our hearts desire and prayer for him to be a God Chaser, to "chase" after God's own heart every day of his life. I know he will be chasing a lot of other things, but this is above all else! For me personally, there was more though. I wanted to make sure I would be able to balance the teen years and infant years. One boy just as important as the other. Remembering a time in my life when I was a bit discouraged about my relationship with my son, I went to my husband with my concerns. This is the norm in our marriage. I take everything to heart and he balances my thoughts. He told me to "chase" my boy. During the times that I felt my son was being distant, I needed to put out that extra effort to pursue him. It wasn't a time for me to feel sorry for myself and withdraw from him. It was so much more. That piece of advice was HUGE to me!! It totally opened my eyes and turned the focus off of my feelings and onto what my boy needed. A great thing to remember I thought. So, naming Chase was also a way for me to constantly be reminded to "chase" my big boy! Not to let him live those teen years on his own and isolated, but to do the complete opposite! So, I'm chasing him.

I know everyone is different, but I thought I'd give some ideas of how we can chase our sons.

1. Praying for them. Where we can't reach them, God can. Never stop praying.
2. Meeting them at their level.  What do they value?  What is important to them?  Sometimes that can be uncomfortable for us, but it is worth it.
3. Chasing them can be silent sometimes. Just sitting with them. Being present and available. Listening with a whole heart and undivided attention. Really listen. You will be surprised at the subtle hints of their heart.
4. Giving them big bear hugs.
5. Taking them to their favorite restaurant. Knowing teen boys, it's more like fast food than anything! lol
6. Yogurt dates. Ice cream dates. Coffee dates. Even Target dates, those are my favorite.
7. Ask questions. Not nagging, be interested.
8. Ask them to help you fix something.
9. Praise them. Little accomplishments. Big accomplishments. Praise them.
10. Most importantly, love them with no strings attached. Unconditionally.

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29 NIV)
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6 NIV)

Compare Your Cards, Not Your Kids!

"Don't let comparison steal your joy" or "Comparison is the thief of joy". I have read these quotes many times and always related it to myself. Don't compare myself with other women. God has called us all on different paths and I need to walk the one he specifically designed for me, not anyone else. Then today I realized this whole comparison attitude goes beyond me, it really relates to my children too. Let's just say baby boy has been quite the challenge lately. Without realizing it, I got caught up in the comparison game. Comparing him with other babies around his age, comparing him with how his brother and sister were when they were babies. In fact yesterday I was at the store and started a conversation with a lady who had a baby that looked the same age as mine. Within seconds of our conversation we were comparing size, eating patterns, etc.. Of course I walked out discouraged. Why isn't my boy eating that much? Why doesn't my boy smile all the time? Why the heck is my boy still waking up at night? Lol I really do know better. I know all babies develop at their own speed. I know these things, yet I still fell in the trap. I'm glad I'm realizing it. Accepting my sweet baby boy is growing just as God designed him to and adjusting my attitude. This doesn't just go for him, it goes for my older children also. I can't compare them with other kids their age or with each other. God designed them each in a unique way. They are God's workmanship, fearfully and wonderfully made. The minute I start measuring them up with others is the minute I start to doubt God's sovereignty. I forget that they are God's masterpiece. I forget that His plans and His thoughts towards them are far greater than I can imagine. All I need to do is trust Him. To God Be the Glory.

"and being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV)
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV)
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10)

Don't Tell Mom

"If we control our reactions in the short-term, we don't have to live with "reaction regret" in the long-term." Lysa Terkeurst

I read this recently and it really hit home with me. It was familiar. Maybe you come from a different family than me, but in my family the phrase "don't tell mom" has come up with my kids, with me, and even with my mom! :) She used to tell me "don't tell Grandma" and I never understood her point till I had kids and guess what I would tell them?? Funny. Why don't we want to tell our moms? Could it be because of how they react. More personally with my kids, could it be how I react? I want to have a reaction that is filled with patience, love, acceptance, trust and grace. Not criticism, sarcasm, fear or condemnation. My husband once told me to be careful how I respond to our kids. I used to freak out at the littlest things. I somehow expected them to be perfect even though I was far from it. He would always remind me that this life isn't Little House on the Prairie, how I tend to imagine things should be. He told me if I respond harshly, that they won't want to come to me. What??! Now, of course I want my kids to come to me in any situation, especially in times when they feel broken, hurt, or that they've failed. I know my mom feels the same way and my Grandma does too. Right? Every mom feels this way, because we carry our children in our hearts. The love we have for them is like no other! None of us intentionally respond wrong, but if we really try to stop, be quick to listen, and speak positively with love when our kids are young, then when they are older, Lord willing, they will be able to come to us with anything. I've tried to keep this in mind and I know it has helped, especially in my relationship with my daughter. I still stumble, overreact, and hear the words "will you just listen", but I also have kids who DO talk to me. To God Be The Glory!

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1 NIV)
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19 NIV)

The Song That Saved My Day

As I was driving today, like always, a million things were going through my head. I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school and flashes of the day ahead of me were making me tired.  I don't know about you, but for me it seems like that is when the day really begins. Kids get home from school and it's non stop till bedtime! I began to think "strength". I started uttering beneath my breath "Lord give me strength".  All of a sudden a song came to my mind.  Not just the chorus, but as I began singing it, every single word came to my memory. Very rare for me to remember anything lately.  It kind of surprised me because the last time I recall hearing the song was about 30 years ago. I was 10 years old and two ladies sang it at church.  I was so impressed when they sang it that I got the recording on tape. I came home and listened to that song over and over and over again. Then of course I would sing it again and again.  Why a ten year old would love this song so much is beyond me.  What I do know is this 39 year old mom needed this song today!  I am so glad I ingrained it in my heart so many years ago for a time like this. A time when sleepless nights come and go and mom is needed by everyone! A time where mom wants to serve her family and do it joyfully. A time where mom needs to start moving more and bringing some romance back into the marriage. This time. This day. God knew exactly what I needed. Maybe you need this song too.  To God Be The Glory.

Strength of My Life
Leslie Phillips

I open my eyes to the sound of morning news and I wish for ten more minutes left to sleep.
And as I get into the shower the thoughts of facing one more day
Overwhelm me and I begin to weep, and I've never felt like I needed your help so bad.

Though my tears are pushed away now for the sake of morning rush, til the bible on the table catches my eye, and I read that you are near to the heart that breaks with grief and I realize that I don't have to try, to live life myself because your ready to help me live

And everyday I look to you to be the strength of my life. Your the HOPE I hold onto to, be the strength of my life.  Be the strength of my life today.

Each day has it's problems. It's troubles and it's tears and it seems I'm always anything but strong, but when I learn to know my weakness I understand your strength and even with the hard times last so long, I won't try by myself , I'll just ask for your help each day.

And everyday I look to you to be the strength of my life. Breathe on me and make me new, be the strength of my life.  Strength of my life today.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Seasons

We all go through different seasons in our life. I hope to use this blog to encourage you no matter what season you are in. Last year at this time I was in one of the best seasons. A season that didn't seem to have many challenges. My kids were getting older, I was moving my body more and feeling great! I walked, hiked, went bike riding and even did Zumba! My husband and I were getting out more. I was starting to invest more time with my kids in the things that really mattered. We were giving more of ourselves. I was confident. Free. Life wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn good. Little did I know, it was preparing me for one unpredictable, hard, painful season. A season filled with uncertainty and absolutely no control. It sounds horrible for me to describe being pregnant this way, but I want to be real with you. Getting pregnant at 39 was not in my plans. My kids were 15 and 11 and I was just starting to really enjoy my freedom. Everyone was so happy for me, yet I was not jumping for joy inside. I wanted to be happy but letting go of my controlled life was very hard. Trusting God that His plans were far better and greater than mine, I really did start enjoying and treasuring my pregnancy. Falling in love with that lil pumpkin inside of me. That beautiful perfect gift from above kept me going when there were days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't walk, and couldn't do the normal things a mom does. I never thought I'd miss taking my kids to school, activities, or just going to Target with them. The kids who were everything to me had to take a back seat because of the little one growing inside of me. Lots of tears through this season. Today I am in a new season. Sleepless nights, poopie diapers, purest smiles, snuggles, lots of hugs, pajama days, taxi service, and lots of family love. No dates with my husband yet, I haven't exercised, and I pretty much eat all the wrong things, especially when I'm stressed. Just being honest. I have days I feel like superwoman and days that I want to scream! I couldn't imagine my life without baby boy though. He is truly my undeserved gift. Juggling it all and trying to have a balanced healthy life is what I long for. Growing in my relationship with Jesus, my husband, and my kids. Being physically, mentally and emotionally strong. I plan on sharing my experiences and lessons with you, all along the way. I do know God has ordained my steps and these days were written in His book long ago. I have a purpose in all of this and I will trust Him in it all. To God be the glory.

Lesson learned, seasons are temporary. Whatever season God has you in, embrace it and do all you can to make the best of it with a grateful heart.