Letting Go When I Want To Hold On Tight

People often tell me that I am so blessed to have a baby boy now. They have mentioned that it will make things easier with my oldest son off to college in 2 years-deep breath. I've thought about it and can't seem to find comfort in that. In fact, I feel the complete opposite. See, in my eyes, no one can replace my oldest son. Even if I had ten kids, I believe I would still have that growing pain. That ache that only a mom feels. Dare I take it a step further and say it's an ache that only a mom with a son would understand. I love my two sons very deeply. They are two different people though. I'm in a season of new beginnings with one, and a season of adulthood emerging with the other.

When my oldest was in elementary school he struggled on the first day of school. Every year. Once he got through it, he was fine. I can't remember what grade it was exactly, but I knew it was time for him to move past these emotions. So, if I can remember right, I had my husband take him in. I didn't hug him. I gave him a high five, smiled, and walked away. Was it easy? No!!!!! I had to let him go even though I really just wanted to squeeze him tight! It was hard. It was the best thing I could do for him though. It was an unspoken way of telling him that it was time. In the following years, it was no longer an issue.

I've watched the little boy who would cling to momma turn into a young man who wants to stand on his own, eager for adulthood and independence. I've had to change my thinking lately. I still see him as my little boy. When I see him as my little boy, I treat him that way. I get offended when his coach yells at him or when he is treated unfairly. I worry about his well being. I try to micro manage him. I'm realizing that everything he goes through is for a reason. It becomes a part of who he is. The good and the bad. The trials he goes through, believe it or not, will help him someday. Knowing he has to fight till the end is a great lesson that he will take with him in life. The reality is, the real world isn't always nice. The real world can treat us like dirt. Who am I raising? Not a little boy anymore. I have to stop seeing him like that. I have to start seeing him as a man. A strong and courageous man. A man who will someday be a leader of a home. A man who will be a provider for his family. A man who will be successful in his career. A man that will be a warrior for Christ. A man who will fight for what he believes in.

When I see him like this, it helps me to help him. Just like it was time in elementary school to let go, it is now time to start the process of letting go again. Just like I relied on my husband back then, I will rely on him now. There is a definite purpose in the role fathers play in their son's life and sometimes momma and all her tenderness just needs to step back and pray. No, my son isn't a man right now, he has a long ways to go, but everything I do will either help or hinder him in his journey to manhood. Yes, I am still chasing him, and letting him know how much he is loved. I am praying purposefully. One day at a time I am letting go of his childhood and slowly embracing his manhood, desperately want to squeeze him and stop time, but moving forward knowing that this is all part of God's plan for him. To God Be The Glory!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6