A Different Way of Fitting In

Last week I was picking up my daughter from dance and noticed the girls with their phones and mine with her basic LG phone. I thought to myself how sad my daughter still uses one of those. I wonder what the girls think of her with her slide out camera? I hope they don't look down on her. I hope they don't make fun of her. Then I caught myself, probably for the 100th time! Caring too much about what others think of my daughter. Wanting to make sure she fits in. Why do I do this? Why do I concern myself so much with her status? I teach her that it's all about the heart, but then I have to go buy her the latest trends so she won't feel like an outcast?? I teach her that we have certain rules and standards but she still doesn't understand why she can't be a part of social media. It's so easy to get caught up in all of this. It's easy to let this world determine how we should raise our kids. At what cost though? What price are we willing to pay so our kids fit in?

I've been blessed with friends in my life who have already walked in the shoes I am in. They've gone through it already. So when they speak into my life and encourage/admonish me in certain things, I'm going to listen! I love the wisdom they are willing to share with me, especially when it comes to girls. One prevalent piece of advice is to stand firm. Whatever standards or rules my husband and I decide on, do not sway from them! If we decide certain clothes aren't appropriate, stand firm! If we decide our daughter isn't ready for an Instagram, stand firm! If we decide our daughter can't be responsible for a $300 phone, stand firm! Every family is different. Every child is different. As our children grow and mature, more privileges will most certainly be given. There is a time though. Words of my friend "don't rush into it". Words of another friend "We still have control!! We still make the rules!".

This is my piece of advice. From one friend to another. From one mom who has failed in this area more than once.  How about we just change our perspective. How about we stop focusing on what we don't have and expose our kids to children who really don't have anything? Children who are suffering from diseases. While our children are having a little pity party, people are being executed in other countries. Perspective. What about we focus on giving to others in need instead of always wanting to receive. Last year I encouraged my daughter to do this and she decided to have a bake sale with her friends and raise money for a food bank. I hope she will do this every year! When we are so busy serving others and giving to others, we don't have time to waste complaining about what we don't have. We definitely don't have time to be concerned about our children fitting in. If our kids our busy giving of themselves to others, that is the perfect place for them to fit in.
To God Be a The Glory!!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3, 4

Letting Go When I Want To Hold On Tight

People often tell me that I am so blessed to have a baby boy now. They have mentioned that it will make things easier with my oldest son off to college in 2 years-deep breath. I've thought about it and can't seem to find comfort in that. In fact, I feel the complete opposite. See, in my eyes, no one can replace my oldest son. Even if I had ten kids, I believe I would still have that growing pain. That ache that only a mom feels. Dare I take it a step further and say it's an ache that only a mom with a son would understand. I love my two sons very deeply. They are two different people though. I'm in a season of new beginnings with one, and a season of adulthood emerging with the other.

When my oldest was in elementary school he struggled on the first day of school. Every year. Once he got through it, he was fine. I can't remember what grade it was exactly, but I knew it was time for him to move past these emotions. So, if I can remember right, I had my husband take him in. I didn't hug him. I gave him a high five, smiled, and walked away. Was it easy? No!!!!! I had to let him go even though I really just wanted to squeeze him tight! It was hard. It was the best thing I could do for him though. It was an unspoken way of telling him that it was time. In the following years, it was no longer an issue.

I've watched the little boy who would cling to momma turn into a young man who wants to stand on his own, eager for adulthood and independence. I've had to change my thinking lately. I still see him as my little boy. When I see him as my little boy, I treat him that way. I get offended when his coach yells at him or when he is treated unfairly. I worry about his well being. I try to micro manage him. I'm realizing that everything he goes through is for a reason. It becomes a part of who he is. The good and the bad. The trials he goes through, believe it or not, will help him someday. Knowing he has to fight till the end is a great lesson that he will take with him in life. The reality is, the real world isn't always nice. The real world can treat us like dirt. Who am I raising? Not a little boy anymore. I have to stop seeing him like that. I have to start seeing him as a man. A strong and courageous man. A man who will someday be a leader of a home. A man who will be a provider for his family. A man who will be successful in his career. A man that will be a warrior for Christ. A man who will fight for what he believes in.

When I see him like this, it helps me to help him. Just like it was time in elementary school to let go, it is now time to start the process of letting go again. Just like I relied on my husband back then, I will rely on him now. There is a definite purpose in the role fathers play in their son's life and sometimes momma and all her tenderness just needs to step back and pray. No, my son isn't a man right now, he has a long ways to go, but everything I do will either help or hinder him in his journey to manhood. Yes, I am still chasing him, and letting him know how much he is loved. I am praying purposefully. One day at a time I am letting go of his childhood and slowly embracing his manhood, desperately want to squeeze him and stop time, but moving forward knowing that this is all part of God's plan for him. To God Be The Glory!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Starting Over

About twelve years ago I had the privilege to be a part of two different women groups. Not at the same time but within a couple years of each other I believe. One of them was led by an awesome older wiser woman of God and the other was with some friends who all just had a desperate need to get closer to Jesus. One of them around a dining room table and the other at a coffee shop. From what I remember, the wise woman had one agenda for us younger moms/wives. She encouraged us in our role as wives. She stressed the importance of putting our husbands first. Being their cheerleader. Making them happy to come home. She also strongly encouraged us to bring an atmosphere of intimacy in our marriage. Being best friends, affirming one another, being affectionate and so on. She had us all blushing and laughing a lot. My other group decided to read "A Woman After God's Own Heart" together. This is a book that instilled a heart to serve within my home. Pursuing God and His priorities in my life. My husband should come first. Serving him, following him, and loving him as
to the Lord. " And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Colossians 3:17 NIV)

Both of these groups impacted my life tremendously and helped me in my role as a young wife and mother. At the time I had a 4 year old and a baby. Those years can very easily affect a marriage and I thank God for the wisdom I received at the time to have my priorities in order. I definitely wasn't the perfect wife, but I had more of an attitude of serving, and trying to be the wife God called me to be. Even if I failed at times, my heart was in the right place.

Why do I bring this up today? The last few weeks have been crazy! Spring football is in full swing, school projects, dance competitions, then the regular day to day chores, plus piles of office work that never seems to go down! It seems at times that I'm treading water, doing my best not to sink! I am finding myself giving all I have to my kids. Putting my role as mother before anything else. Finding ways to be a better mom, going out of my way for my babies, even dating my kids! Yes, I am being very intentional with them. This is a good thing, but in my pursuit to be the best mom I can be, am I neglecting the man who holds my heart? Am I neglecting the man that God called me to serve and help? Yes, I am guilty. I share this because I know this is a trap that many moms fall in. We mean well, but take for granted the friendship that we have with our husbands. It's normal. After all, adding a new baby to our family after 11 years is a legitimate reason for any mom to loose sight of her priorities!:) The important part is that God gently reminded me of who comes first and He will take care of the rest. Today is a new day and I think it's time to ask myself how I can help my husband. How I can can make his day extra special. How I can respond to his needs in a positive way. How I can specifically pray for him. How I can love him unconditionally. Taking on each day with this mindset and the attitude to serve in my heart will only lead to a more loving, flourishing marriage!
 To God Be the Glory!

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18 NIV)
My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. (Song of Solomon 2:16 NIV)
I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. (Song of Solomon 7:10 NIV)

Because She Loved Me

I was in a rush. No different then any other day. I told her I couldn't stay and I needed to go. I got a glimpse of her waving at us from her living room. It was then that I stopped and savored her expression. It was the face of a mom. My mom. Wishing we didn't have to go, yet excited and happy for what was coming next for us. That heartfelt moment brought me to tears. As I drove away I knew I needed to share a little of my heart as a daughter. Today it's about the lady I am honored to call my mom.

There is a lot I can say about my mom. I can tell you about all the ways she has helped my family in the last year. I can tell you about her heart that loves to give and give and give. I can tell you about the great love she has for her grandchildren. I can tell you about the ways she likes to encourage and support her family. I can tell you about her deep love for Jesus and I can tell you of all she has sacrificed so her family could be better off. Instead I'd like to go back. To the core. To the mom I grew up with. The mom who always loved me unconditionally.

Looking back I cannot think of a time that I didn't feel loved by my mom. I can't even think of a time that she criticized the way I dressed or did my hair. She never kept track of what I ate. I never felt like I had to succeed in order to receive her love. It was always there. Yes, she had grumpy days, like us all, and maybe her patience got the best of her, but never did I feel as though her love changed toward me. I don't think I ever realized how significant that was until now.  The ability to love with no conditions. She loved me no matter what. Then adulthood came, marriage, and family. Still that love remains. She may not agree on everything, but still loves with all that she is. To me, this is the greatest gift she has given me.

As I see my mom getting older I am reminded of how precious our time is together. I am also reminded that this is the time to give back. Not monetarily, although I'm sure she wouldn't resist. It's time to give back with what matters most to her. MY TIME. You see, my mom's greatest joy is her family. Anytime she has opportunity to have quality time with any of us, she will run to it! Even better, anytime she can get the whole entire family together, joy joy joy!! Beyond ecstatic! :)

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate and honor our mothers and grandmothers. I don't want to stop there though. Lord, please remind me throughout the year to give her what matters most. It costs nothing, yet means everything. Time. To God be the Glory!

Step Back Momma Bear

In the last couple of weeks there have circumstances in my life when "momma bear" wanted to come out. In the past I have always justified the momma bear within. Anytime any of my kids were treated incorrectly, rejected, or wrong was done against them, I let that momma bear come out and most of the time my kids witnessed this. I'd tell myself, it's all out of love!! No one messes with my cubs!! Well, God showed me something different this time. 

As moms, we never want to see our babies hurt, rejected, or mistreated. We don't want them to go through difficult situations we may have faced growing up. We don't want them to experience pain or disappointment. They hurt. We hurt a hundred times worse. We carry the heaviness, the aching, like it's our own. I've talked about control before, but this is another example of what can cause us moms to be over controlling. If we keep them in our little controlled bubble of life, they won't experience any of these things. Or if they do, we are ready to attack those on the outside. The problem with this thinking is that when it all comes down to it, we cannot control everything that happens to our babies. 

As long as our kids are living and breathing there WILL be some kind of hurt in their lives. I know this is hard to hear, especially for those with little ones. It's very true though. The question I had to ask myself this time around is what am I teaching my kids by roaring like a bear, ready to give the accused a piece of my mind.  Or even better, wanting to take my child out of the environment that is causing their pain. What is this teaching them? Could my attitude reflect the ongoing problem of entitlement in our kids today? How can our kids develop character, integrity, humility, perseverance, courage, and learn to trust God in their own lives and the lives of others when they see momma bear roaring with anger, being quick to rescue them every time? Does it make sense to teach them to be strong and courageous, then take them out of the very situation that builds this type of character within them? How can I teach them to rejoice in trials when I try to be the savior instead of letting God be their savior? How can I teach them to trust that God will uphold them when I try to fix everything? Yes, we all want our kids to get that part in the play, or earn that position on the team, be liked by their teachers, coaches and those in authority. So when they don't get that part, or they are sitting on the sideline, or they aren't the apple of their teacher's eye. How can we better respond to these situations? How can we respond like Christ?

I'm learning it all comes down to having faith in God's sovereignty in their lives. Yes, if wrong was done we can point it out, but instead of teaching anger and bitterness, we can teach grace and forgiveness. Even compassion. Jesus is the ultimate example. He endured it all and still responded with the biggest act of love ever known to man. Now most everything I am referring to is in response to my older kids. I know with littler ones it is different. I'm in a stage of my life though where my 2 older kids will be grown adults in this world before I know it and I want to do my best to raise them to reflect Christ in all they do.  I want them to stand strong.  They need to know how to handle the difficult situations.  They need to be able to grow from them.  I want Christ to be able to work in their lives. In their hearts.  

Thank you Jesus for this huge lesson in my life. I pray that I will remember this in days to come. So, I'm telling myself. Take a step back momma bear. Be still. Pray like crazy. Seek God for wisdom in the situation and trust in his faithfulness. Yes, there will be times we will need to speak on their behalf and be their advocate, but how much better it will be if we gain the Father's wisdom and go together in prayer about it first. To God Be the Glory!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:2-5 NIV)

Moving Forward with 5 Lessons

There are often times in life that we go through difficult circumstances. While we are going through it, God is right there carrying us every bit of the way. We have a choice. Do we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus? Do we go into survival mode? I think I did a little of both when I was on bed rest during my pregnancy. I learned quite a few lessons and now that I am in full swing, I wanted to write them down so I don't forget. So this is more of a reminder to myself, but if you can benefit from these lessons too then even better. To God Be The Glory!

1. Mary vs. Martha
    If you don't know the story of Mary and Martha. It is found in Luke 10:38-42. Here is a summary. Basically Martha is the stressed out lady running from one end of the house to the other micro-managing everyone and Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus. Martha complains about Mary to Jesus and Jesus tells her Mary has chosen what is better. Well when I was stuck in bed I had the opportunity to be more like Mary. Really sit and be still literally. Listening to Christ. It's what got me through each day. Now that life is back to non stop schedules, activities, and a little one completely dependent on me, I can very easily fall into the Martha category. The to-do lists never seem to get shorter. Life's demands will always be here. I don't want to do what's good. I want to do what's better. Sitting at the feet of Jesus before anything each day. That's where it's at. That's all that matters.

2. Hands and Feet of Jesus
    Thank God my situation was temporary. For so many of those around us it is not. My family was blessed by kind and loving hearts. Meals were brought over, transportation provided for my kids, laundry done, cleaning done, groceries delivered, etc. To me, this was love in action. This was the hands and feet of Jesus. I don't want to just be on the receiving end. I want to always remember this so when opportunity presents itself I will come running to those in need. People are hurting. They are in pain, some chronic, some even living their last days. No better way to share the love of Christ. Some great verses to look at are James 2:16, Matthew 25:35, and The Parable of the Good Samaritan, one of my favorites, Luke10:25-37.

3. Letting go of Perfectionism
     This is something that has always been a struggle for me, especially when I get in a certain mind set of how I believe things should be. There's me, my narrow mind and the end result pictured in my head. Well, when you are stuck in bed and have no control over anything, guess what happens? I was forced to let go. At first I got mad, frustrated and then came acceptance. I finally came to the realization that if I wanted peace in my heart I had to let go of perfectionism. Once I did that, I felt FREE. Amazing freedom! In so many areas of my life! For the first time in a long time I was able to really enjoy Christmas! I didn't have to find the perfect gift, have my house perfectly decorated or throw a perfect cookie party! It was so relaxed and the focus on Christ and my little family was all that mattered. There was no rushing through the story, only sitting and being a part of it. With all that being said, I let go because I had to. Now that things are back to normal I feel that perfectionist attitude creeping in again in several different areas. Here is one example. With Easter around the corner I started thinking of finding the perfect outfits for my family, the perfect themed Easter baskets, even trying to convince myself to make that perfect Easter cake. Now I have a choice. Do I fall into the trap and over extend myself? Or do I choose freedom? I am choosing freedom and letting go, focusing on what really matters this Easter. Instead of trying to dress my kids and give them things, I would rather spend my time and energy pointing them to the Cross. To the cup Jesus drank for us, to the blood he shed for us and to the love that was laid down for us. All that other stuff is exactly that. Stuff. Temporary, earthly. Nothing wrong with it, but for me, I get lost in it. In trying to impress, and trying to be super mom. Instead I want to be free!

4. Power in Prayer
    I know that I would not have survived those last months of pregnancy and first months of motherhood without the power of prayer. I never want to forget the importance of having family/friends who I can count on for prayer. Who I know without a shadow of a doubt will get on their knees on my behalf. That is so important! In those moments of desperation, knowing I was covered in prayer was so encouraging!

5. In Sickness and in Health
    In our 19 years of marriage, my husband and I have kind of worked like a team. He does his part, I do mine and everything seems to flow. Well when I couldn't fulfill my part, my husband had to carry a huge load. Not only was he going to work everyday, and as in work I mean business owner. Not just showing up and leaving. If he doesn't work we have no income. If he doesn't sell, there is no pay check. That is a lot all on its own. So, he was doing that like normal then he had to cover my part of the business (billing, accounts payable/receivable etc.), then he didn't just have my son to take to training anymore, he had my daughter now too. Then he had to do grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, and let's not forget taking my daughter clothes shopping! He did all of this and NEVER complained! Yes, he eventually got lots of help but I don't want to take away from what he did for so long. For months, every morning he made me breakfast and brought it to me. Now, all of this is
something I never want to forget. The way he laid down his life, his needs, and loved in action. Selfless love. Devoted love. I am so forever grateful that he is my love and I never want to take that for granted. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Before it's Too Late---This Ones For The Girls

My daughter. She is the little girl I dreamed of. She is who I wasn't . She has confidence I've only dreamed about. She is the meaning of affection. She loves to be praised in the little things. No need to chase her, she is always there. She remembers everything. She is assertive. She is very independent, but still likes my approval. She is in the middle. She challenges me. She has hopes and dreams. She is my heart.
About a year and a half ago I started seeing my little girl slowly growing into her own. She wasn't my "doll" to dress anymore. She had her own identity. She wanted to be independent of me. Letting go of that stage of her life was very hard. It actually still is. I need the daily reminder that she doesn't fit in the box I picture her in. She really doesn't fit in any box. She is not confined. She likes to spread her wings, and soar. She may fail. She may succeed, but fear of failure doesn't hold her back. She sees opportunity and runs to it. As her mom, I don't want to see her fail or hurt. I want to protect her from it all. Protection sometimes can lead to control. Her independence and my control led to friction. I had to let go but wasn't sure how. I started getting an urgency in my heart. I didn't want to be that over critical controlling mom. I wanted to let her flourish into the young lady God wanted her to be. I also noticed her body was changing and I wanted to prepare her for the next steps of womanhood coming soon. Preparation was vital in these upcoming years. Preparation for the tween/teen years needed to start right away! She brought me to my knees and after that lots of reading involved, which led to intentional investing. It was no longer about my daughter fitting into my box. It was showing her who she was in God's eyes, being who God created her to be, following after His plans, and about planting this in her heart for days to come.

One of the books helped me in a practical and fun way. It's called "8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters". We went on our first date to a tea house. The theme was "your beauty in God's eyes" based on Isaiah 64:8. For those of you who know me, know that going to tea is one of my favorite things to do. In fact I have been bringing my daughter since she was 3 years old. This time it was different though. There was a purpose. Not only to enjoy the scones, but to get a message across. She is not a styrofoam cup or an old mug, but she is fine china! It was a beautiful day. I really felt God's hand in it and saw it in her eyes. Her confidence was no longer conditional on how she looked or what she did. It was in knowing who she was as a daughter of a King.

Another book that I used was "6 ways to keep the "Little" in your girl". This book has helped me in many ways. One way was how to address the upcoming changes in her body that eventually would lead to womanhood. Rather than having an uncomfortable embarrassing talk, we were able to focus on the creation of life and how it is an honor to be able to carry a child and give birth. Motherhood is a gift to look forward to in the very far away future. Psalms 139 was a big part of this day. It was an honest meaningful talk between mother and daughter. It ended with a goodie box filled with all the essentials. Now it was something to look forward to, not dread. I ended it by sharing our love for her. We loved her so much but God loves her more!

Now when all of this took place, I had no idea what big change was going to occur in my life. In our family's life. In the following months I found out I was pregnant and our lives were forever changed. I went through some really rough times. Times where getting out of my bed was not an option. At the same time my daughter started 6th grade and went through many challenges. She had some choices to make. Was she going to go with the crowd or stand for her beliefs? Even if it meant standing alone. Her friendships were changing. Her world around her was changing. Her self worth was attacked. Lots of stuff. Very hard months for her. I was there as much as I could be, but not like I wanted.

There is good news! Guess what? All that urgency. All that preparation. It was all for a reason! It most certainly had God's hand written all over it! I am so thankful God put that urgency inside my heart! Oh and I am glad for once in my life I didn't procrastinate. It was so timely! Yes she went through these tough times, and yes she hurt, but because she knew who she was and who she belonged to, she made it through. When that special day came, she knew exactly what to do. She was secure in it. This is only the beginning. There is still so much to learn. We still struggle in our relationship at times, but investing God's truths into our daughters. Life changing! Extraordinary! To God Be the Glory!

I look forward to sharing more details of our dates. For now, I encourage you to get started. One date could be the difference in your girl's life one day.

My Favorite Books:
8 Great Dates for Mothers and Daughters
6 Ways to keep the "Little" in your Girl
Raising a Daughter After God's Own Heart
31 Days of Prayer For Your Daughter (E-book)